My Horrible Friend

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Today I went to the Y with the girls. As usual, I dropped J off at her preschool program, C at the babysitting/nursery and headed into my Zumba class. This routine’s been going twice a week for about 4 weeks and has been great for giving me a chance to exercise (helping to ward off the postpartum depression), feeling stronger and overall happier.

After the Zumba class I checked in on C in the babysitting – she was fast asleep. I decided to take advantage and have some “me” time. It was a gorgeous day so I pulled up a chair near a big window in the lobby, ordered a quiche from the snack bar and settled in to enjoy the sunshine, a snack and read the book I just borrowed from the library.

I was relishing in the thought of eating a meal with no interruptions. Tickled pink to enjoy some Vitamin D from my seat. And almost giddy to be able to read my book. While sitting there I saw a group of moms heading into an early-year’s program with their infants & toddlers in tow. Strollers abound and kids running to-and-fro, excited just to be alive.

Just then, my friend came up to me – surprised to see me sitting, enjoying a blissful meal in the sunshine without my 2 kids.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she said.

“Oh, I just finished my class and thought I’d have a bit of me time and enjoy the weather and a snack.” I replied.

“Must be nice to have the money to have a Y membership and ship your kids off to daycare so you can be by yourself. Not really a real mom, are you?” she retorted.

“Guess not…” I mumbled, shocked but also ashamed to be caught enjoying some time to myself when I know there are moms out there struggling, feeling overwhelmed by their 2 or more kids.

“Don’t you also send J to an at-home daycare 3 times a week? Why would you send J to daycare 3 times a week if you’re on mat leave? What do you do all day?” she continued.

“I do,” I replied meekly. “Part of the reason is to allow J a chance to socialize with her friends, but it also gives me a chance to spend some one on one time with C and run errands.”

“Sounds lazy to me.” as she sauntered off.

I sat there – ashamed and embarrassed of the mommy life I was living. I slowly ate the rest of my quiche and tried to enjoy the sunshine and book, but was left with a lingering feeling of hurt and guilt.

I know what you’re thinking – what a horrible friend…who would accost someone like that when they were just trying to enjoy an hour to themselves?

The truth is, that horrible friend was me.

I was the one saying those things to myself. I was the one who doubted whether I deserved to have “me” time. I was the one who bullied and took away my own happiness in that moment.

How many times have I said horrible things to myself, doubted myself at home & at work, bullied myself into thinking I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to be happy in life?

At least once every single day…and I’m sure I’m not alone.

Today and going forward I commit to being my own best friend. I commit to treating myself with decency, respect, love and encouragement. I commit to treating myself the way I would want my daughters to treat themselves. I commit to being the best person I can be, starting with being kind to myself.

And I invite you to join me.

——————————————————————

I’m happy I had the chance for some “me” time and to be happy. I’m thankful to have had a conversation with a good friend on the weekend, who helped me identify times when I was being my biggest bully. I’m hopeful and commit to being my own best friend and recognizing my own self-worth, so my daughters will see me and model the same behaviour.

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3 thoughts on “My Horrible Friend

  1. Pingback: Decluttering My House & Soul | happythankfulhopeful

  2. My children are now 10, 8 and 5 years and I have stayed at home with them the entire time. I’m not sure the guilt things ever REALLY goes away, but it’s definitely something that I’m working on even more, lately. I also homeschool the kids and it can be rough-the comparison, the wondering if I’m doing enough, etc. Good for you to look after yourself and take some time for yourself. It is a great blessing!

    Like

    • Hi Rosanna – I am amazed at the dedication of parents who homeschool. My best friend has children 5, 3 and 1 homeschools and while she loves it, she also second guesses whether she’s doing enough. Definitely take time for yourself. A happier/more balanced mom is a win for everyone. 🙂 Thanks for visiting and for your comment!!

      Like

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